The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
