I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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