You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
