I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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