i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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