just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
