Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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