youre lurking in front of me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
