seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
