Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
