U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
from now on my penis is your penis
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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