He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
