I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
