The maid of honor just puked.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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