Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
