I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My ATM looks so different sober.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm getting married
To pizza
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
