meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
