Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
