i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
