Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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