Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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