I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
