I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
