then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
