hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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