I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
