I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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