She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
