oh god the rape fog is back!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
