I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
