The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
