I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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