mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I cut my penus on the lid.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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