I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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