my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
