goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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