I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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