So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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