Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
