If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
