This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
