So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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