she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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