I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
