someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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