The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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