"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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