yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
