I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
