i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
